happy mama's day

i was checking mom's email last night, as per request. i noticed an old email from sis that she had sent to mom. it was marked as read, but mom never replied to it. so 10 days later (mother's day) i decide it would be a good idea to reply to sis' email from mom's account b/c it would make her day that mom is thinking about her on this special day:

my dearest cristy,

today is mother's day. thank you for your gift of NOTHING. i'm sorry i ever gave birth to you.

xoxo,
mom

ok, so i didn't really sign it "mom" but used my name instead. good thing too b/c apparently sis is way insecure.

her response to me:

why are you always messing with me??! my jaw kind of dropped when i read that and i was like holy shit why would mom write such a mean email.

can you sense the panic in there? i can and it makes me feel warm inside. roflcopter.

the moral of this story? tell your family you love them. then mess with them a little. rinse and repeat.

little girls are evil

i'm not sure when, why, or how this idea originated, but i'm convinced that little girls are evil. i've thought this for a while and have been open about my hesitance toward my own uterus bearing demonic mini-me's. i might just pull an angelina and hand pick my own accessory boy child, if only to safeguard against evil little girls.

in an attempt to not write this final project required for graduation, i've compiled a short list of examples as to why i think little girls are evil:

5) Dolly Dearest -



ok, so technically Dolly Dearest is--well, she's doll--but whatevs. watching at age 7(?) any movie about the spirit of a devil child from the ancient devil-worshipping Sanzia tribe that takes over the body of a mass-produced child's doll is bound to fuck you up a little, yeah? and ok, so Dolly Dearest is a poor man's Chucky, but the fact remains that little girls are evil.

4) Angelica Pickles -

is that make-up and eyeliner? i smell teenage pregnancy and future homewrecker. you grew up too soon and never had a childhood because you were always taking care of your little cousins? mommy didn't have enough time for you? wah wah wah. suck it up and keep it closed you little scag.

3) Raven Baxter - you're not actually on the evil list because you're too grown. i think inherent to the definition of evil little girl is the fact that one still be a little girl. nevertheless, you're psychic and super powers of any kind = the win. so...really i'm just giving a shout out to that's so raven.

2) Sanjaya Malakar -




oops, honest mistake. my apologies...


and finally the #1 influential factor as to why little girls are evil:


1) because it's cute when they are.




so finals are coming up and then graduation. i expect a few months of unemployment to follow as well. naturally, that means mandatory procrastination updates.

ooohhh, yeaaaah.